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People-pleasing is a behavior that often stems from a need to gain approval or avoid conflict. While wanting to be helpful or agreeable isn’t inherently bad, chronic people-pleasing can be detrimental to mental health, leading to stress, burnout, and resentment. Many people-pleasers find themselves feeling drained, unheard, and disconnected from their own needs. At Anchored in Hope Counseling, we provide a range of therapies to help clients understand the origins of their people-pleasing tendencies and to establish healthy boundaries that support their mental well-being, helping them reclaim their voice and energy.
Signs of People-Pleasing
People-pleasing can be subtle, and those who do it often feel they are just being "nice" or "helpful." However, chronic people-pleasing can manifest in various ways:
1. Difficulty Saying No
People-pleasers often struggle with saying no, fearing that they might let someone down or be seen as difficult. This difficulty can lead to overcommitting, taking on responsibilities that aren’t theirs, and ultimately feeling overwhelmed and exhausted.
2. Constantly Prioritizing Others Over Self
People-pleasers frequently put others' needs above their own, sometimes without realizing it. They may feel responsible for others' emotions, trying to keep everyone happy, often at their own expense. This constant prioritization of others can lead to neglect of personal needs, causing stress, anxiety, and a lack of fulfillment.
3. Struggling with Boundaries
An aversion to setting or upholding boundaries is common among people-pleasers. Many feel discomfort or guilt at the thought of saying no or asking for what they need, fearing they may be seen as selfish or inconsiderate. This discomfort with boundaries can lead to resentment, as people-pleasers may feel unappreciated or taken advantage of by those around them.
4. Seeking Validation and Approval
People-pleasers often rely on external validation for self-worth. They may feel they need to please others to feel accepted or valued, which can create a cycle of constantly seeking approval. This reliance on validation can erode self-esteem and hinder self-acceptance, making it challenging to set boundaries and prioritize their own well-being.
How to Start Setting Boundaries
Setting boundaries can feel daunting for people-pleasers, especially if it’s unfamiliar or uncomfortable. However, small steps can lead to big changes. Here’s how to get started:
1. Self-Reflection: Identify Challenging Areas
A great first step in boundary-setting is to reflect on the areas where boundaries feel most challenging. Journaling or talking with a therapist about instances when you've felt drained, resentful, or overwhelmed can help identify where boundaries are needed. Common areas for boundary-setting include work, family, friendships, and personal time. Reflection can provide clarity about where you want to protect your energy and assert your needs.
2. Start Small: Practice Saying No in Low-Stakes Situations
Beginning with small, manageable boundaries can make the process feel less intimidating. For example, practice saying no to a request that doesn’t align with your priorities or ask for a small favor in return. With each small success, confidence grows, making it easier to set and enforce more significant boundaries over time.
3. Be Clear and Compassionate in Communication
When setting a boundary, it helps to be clear, honest, and respectful. Instead of over-explaining or apologizing, you can simply state your boundary, like, “I’m not available to do that right now,” or, “I need some time for myself.” Boundaries don’t have to be harsh or rigid; they can be expressed with kindness and compassion while still being firm. Learning to communicate boundaries effectively takes practice but can be liberating and empowering.
4. Expect and Manage Discomfort
Setting boundaries can initially feel uncomfortable, especially if people-pleasing has been a long-standing habit. It’s natural to feel guilty or nervous about others' reactions. Remind yourself that this discomfort is temporary and that setting boundaries is a necessary step in caring for yourself. Over time, the discomfort fades as boundary-setting becomes part of your routine.
5. Therapy Support: Gaining Tools and Guidance
Working with a therapist is incredibly helpful for individuals working to overcome people-pleasing tendencies. At Anchored in Hope Counseling, we provide tools and guidance to help you identify, set, and maintain boundaries that honor your needs and well-being. A therapist can offer strategies for self-advocacy, help address underlying fears, and provide accountability as you navigate this journey.
The Benefits of Setting Boundaries
Establishing healthy boundaries may feel challenging at first, but the rewards are well worth it. By setting and maintaining boundaries, people-pleasers can experience:
Improved Mental Health: Protecting your energy reduces stress and anxiety, leading to a more balanced and fulfilling life.
Stronger Relationships: Boundaries create mutual respect, helping relationships become more genuine and supportive.
Increased Self-Worth: Setting boundaries reinforces your value and affirms that your needs are just as important as those of others.
Greater Self-Compassion: Prioritizing self-care fosters a kinder relationship with yourself, allowing you to show up authentically in all areas of life.
You don’t have to sacrifice your well-being to please others. Setting boundaries is a powerful form of self-care that allows you to nurture your mental health, feel empowered, and build more fulfilling relationships. At Anchored in Hope Counseling, our compassionate therapists understand the challenges of people-pleasing and are here to support you in reclaiming your voice, protecting your peace, and living authentically.
If you need support setting boundaries to protect your mental health, schedule an appointment with us.